Saturday, February 11, 2012

Back To Nothing

Hmmmm... feels like we've been here before.

When is Groundhog's day?

Truth is, it has been an exceedingly black couple of years, and I am just now beginning to see a glimpse of the sun again.

Two days from now is my birthday. I will be 44. I am officially middle aged. Some would say that happened when I turned 40, but I was able to work the math just right so that I was convinced it wasn't true. My Grandfather died at 86. I've actually given myself an extra two years.

Man, that makes me laugh out loud. Imagine the audacity to try to work the numbers on how long I may or may not live? Fortunatly, God's grace is sufficient... even for me.

Truth is, these first 44 years have gone by in the blink of an eye. Cliche' it might be, but one gets to a point in their life when the inevitability of our humanity can no longer be ignored. Our relative unimportance in the grand scheme of things, the nothingness that exists in response to our daily worry and strife is a sobering pill to swallow... if you allow yourself to be sober enough to swallow it.

But this is not what started my decent into darkness, and some might say, madness. My decent began two years ago this past January 15th when my Dad died.

I had fooled myself and convinced myeself that he was already dead to me. I really hadn't seen him in 10 years, and I hadn't spent any time with him in 15 years. So, he was dead to me.

Until he actually died.

I lost myself. I became somebody I was not. I disconnected from myself and those who love me in a very scary way... and it was touch and go there for a while whether I would ever find my way back.

Now I am extricating myself from the laberynth that is my head and taking a look around me. I am realizing that my son is 6 years old now, and one third of my time with him is already gone. Having two beautiful girls in college reminds me of how fast time can slip through our fingers.

"Time is the hunter, and we are the prey."

Forgive the language, but it is time to get my head out of my ass and start looking up.

Part of that process requires that I continue writing this book. Selfishly, this writing is more for me, and my children, than for anybody else. However, enough of you have encouraged me to continue that it seems there might be some application for others as well.

I would consider my self richly blessed and deeply honored if you all thought the ramblings in this little book of nothing were worthy of your time and effort to read and comment on.

Regardless of whether you do or not, I'm going to do it anyway. ;-)

Here goes nothing...

No comments: